ARCHIVE: The Motherland (Winter 2005/6)

Travelogue 1: The Health Risks of Travel

Hello!
I have safely arrived in Taiwan. it was a rough 18 hour plane ride, involving multiple vomit episodes (Maddog), a bloody nose (Maddog), and a hacking cough (both me & Maddog). Yes, a walking public health disaster. I'm surprised they didn't quarantine us on the plane--although there were several people around us with face masks on. I didn't have the heart to tell them that a little piece of fabric over their mouths wouldn't make a big difference. Then again, I wouldn't even know how to say that in Chinese. The inflight movie selection was also lacking--I watched Wallace & Gromit about 5 times.

Day 1: I passed the thermal scans at the airport. Woo-hoo! We got into Taipei-proper and I saw three of my aunties, a few cousins and their kids. It's always a treat to see the family. That is, until a few of them mentioned that I had gained weight since the last time I saw them and one cousin pointed out that my ass was getting bigger, but I didn't need to go on a diet yet since each buttock was still smaller than my head. WTF?! I didn't realize that this was a standard of body weight measurement. Sigh. Then we went to dim sum for lunch. And I had to help my cousin's kids with their english homework. Am I supposed to correct a first grader's grammar? It just didn't seem right, especially since they aren't native speakers. After a five hour nap, Mom and I then strolled around the street markets at night and ate a bunch of food from the vendors. I really love that there is a 7-Eleven every half-block here.

Day 2: apparently I caught the Maddog-bug--or it was the fried chicken from the street market. Woke up at 6am (not bad for jet lag!) and proceeded to empty out the contents of my stomach. I haven't thrown up in a long time (except for that Margarita Incident of 2001). It was highly unpleasant and instead of some vigorous shopping as planned, I was bedridden today and watched some bad english movies and MTV China on cable. Boo. But tomorrow morning we are off to Singapore and 85 degree weather!

Travelogue #2: Singapore, or How I Avoided a Caning

Happy new year! I am back from a brief stint in Singapore. My only memory of visiting Singapore as a kid was that it was extremely clean and my older cousin told me that if one of my pigtail holders fell on the ground, the authorities would take me away.

I have lived with a fear of Singapore ever since.

Some background: Singapore means "lion city" in Sanskrit, named so when a Sumatran prince thought he saw a lion. There are no lions in singapore. It was a tiger. But the name stuck. The national symbol of singapore is the merlion (like a mermaid, but a lion). And you can essentially get fined $500 singapore dollars (which is about $350 USD) for spitting on the ground, littering, smoking where it is not designated, urinating on the street, etc. You can get caned if a man grabs a woman's ass (but not the other way around) or if you've got illegal drugs on you--then you'll totally get multiple beatings, if not a death sentence.

Needless to say, Singapore is extremely clean and well-manicured, and all of the people I encountered were super nice. There wasn't a ton to see, and it seems more like a giant shopping city. You'd think I'd be excited, but I was hoping to see some more interesting cultural sites. The main strip, Orchard Street, was just like one big Times Square for shoppers. And like Times Square, it too made me hyperventilate. However, I will say that Singapore would be the easiest Asian city for a westerner who fears anything foreign to visit. Everyone speaks english here (as well as Taiwanese and Mandarin, which is nice for me & my family) and practically every American chain restaurant is here--including Outback Steakhouse.

Our first full day we went on a TWELVE HOUR city tour. I am not sure how I agreed to this, and I reached meltdown stage around 4pm after we got out of the dolphin show with about 200 other tourists and then had to wait in line for the bus for over an hour in 85 degree weather. My jet lag was not kind. I actually had to leave the tour early (after the very lame aquarium). I spent the next day by the pool sunning myself until I mildly sunburnt the upper right quarter of my body. Don't ask. And the rest of the time was spent shopping and seeing some more sites, like the world's largest fountain, the Fountain of Wealth, and the accompanying laser light show.

And now we're back in Taipei and I spent way too much money at the dollar store here.

Good times.

Travelogue #3: Homeward Bound
Well, I am back stateside and more than happy to be home! But I know you were all waiting in anticipation for one last travelogue about my last week spent in Taiwan. And possibly wondering when the hell I was getting back. When I last left off I had gleefully spent about $60 at the dollar store.... the next day I got sick again. It appears that I have a problem with entry into Taiwan. The motherland is not kind to me. I was fine when I was in Singapore (probably out of fear that they would lock me up if I was sick), but then I came back into Taiwan and I got sick again. A different GI bug this time. I won't overshare, but I will say it wasn't pretty and I finally understand why the Dept. of Health asks on those foodborne outbreak questionnaires how many times someone went to the bathroom in a 24 hour period. But my aunt, who is not a doctor but is married to one, kept going down to their mini-pharmacy and giving me unlabeled meds to take. Unfortunately, none of them were narcotics, but something worked and I got better. Then the rest of the family arrived and we spent several days visiting more relatives, laying around, shopping and eating (I think I ate cake every day). It was all very tiring. We made our way back to Taipei and shopped and ate some more. Everything there is so damn cute. I mean, I could EASILY fully furnish my home with Hello Kitty stuff. That would be scary, but possible. I think I have filled my annual quota on knee-high socks and cute tchotchkes. (however, i would never turn down either if they were offered to me.)

As for my birthday, it was essentially spent shopping during the day (not bad), and then I had to accompany my mom to the wedding of her friend's son. Note: I have never met this man, nor his bride. Neither has my mother. So the evening of my birthday, I sat at a wedding banquet of someone I didn't know, with a bunch of my mom's friends for a 10 course seafood dinner. Um, in case you didn't know, I don't eat seafood. AND, they don't have wedding cake at chinese weddings. Boo! Luckily, when we got back, there was cake galore for me. They even lit a sparkler. A total firehazard, but cool all the same. And now after two straight weeks of chinese food (and the sporadic dysentery), I am ready to eat pizza, burgers and salads every day for a while (with some drinks thrown in there somewhere). Whew.

p.s. I called ahead for car service from Newark and our driver was Chinese and kept talking to us in chinese. I was so ready not to have to concentrate so hard to communicate with people once i got back to the States, but luckily he wasn't one of those chatty drivers and I managed to get home without having a meltdown or saying something totally offensive in chinese. My brain still hurts from that interaction a little, though. Talk to you all soon.